What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 11:26
I had hoped to write a book about this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
How do schizophrenia symptoms change throughout the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What is the reason for writing X^2 as XX instead of X*X?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Especially a lifetime of it.
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She wouldn,t have been !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I will be 64.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
How do you make a karaoke version of a song?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
How many Russians really understand the state they live in?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Would this be the day?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
She married twice! .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was in good health!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I don,t even have a pension.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was scared of men, in general
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im still living with it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
Comes on , in middle age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
This is soul school!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I think the readers, may guess!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.